I’m reading through each entry and some of the entries are making me cringe as I remember how different I was back then. A lot of memories of lost opportunities reinforces my thoughts on blaming it as youthful ignorance. Analyzing the writing makes me worried for the person who I was then. My script/handwriting was wild and erratic. My mind was in a severely emotional state.

A couple of notable observations-

A victory on achieving my learner’s license on June 27, 2000.

Talking about my second knee surgery in August 2000, as well as about getting the staples removed the following week.

Sessions of ez2dancer with a friend at Richmond Public Market

Generally giddiness talking to girls

Apparently I did something called VOing. Not convinced but I think it might have had something to do with a game called Virtual-On

Being able to date with precision the first time I met a friend

I’m not sure I actually wanted to read most of this journal. It creates mixed emotions of mostly negative feelings. I thought I had buried most of who I was back then, and that’s mostly true. Though reading through these entries stirs up the old feelings of doubt and disappointment. I was hoping this exercise would have provided catharsis but I think it may have done the exact opposite instead.

I was able to visit where my mom grew up, Naga City. I never met my grandfather on my mom’s side as he passed away before I was born. I didn’t attend my grandmother’s funeral when she passed in 1996 and never got a chance to visit either of their graves until now. The day we visited was a good day to go as by coincidence it would have been my grandfather’s 100th birthday.

Journeying into the province gave me a glimpse into how people in the rural areas of the Philippines lived. The countryside is filled with rice fields tended by farmers and as expected most of the towns are poor rural communities. As we travelled around Bicol I was able to find out more about my family’s story. The details are mostly fuzzy and not entirely accurate because they are mostly told from my parent’s memory (and guesswork on details they’re unsure of).

All of my grandparents were born in China. Three were born in Amoy, China while one was born somewhere else in the Fujian province (I will have to look it up). All of them moved to the Philippines because of civil unrest in China that lead up to the Chinese Civil War. They first arrived in Manila, then each ended up in adifferent part of the Philippines.

On my mom’s side (Lee family):
My grandmother’s family ended up with roots in both Manila and Aparri. My grandfather met my grandmother in Manila. They ended up moving to Naga City and starting a rice mill company. That’s where they ended up starting their family and most of their kids (including my mom) moved one by one back to Manila. There’s more complicated details about my grandfather’s family and cousins/step-siblings (though I won’t go into it because I don’t exactly understand all of it either). My mom’s family also has an interesting story of intrigue regarding property disputes and family rivalries. The dispute has already been going on for a long time and is mostly history though still unresolved because of the end result. It’s exciting to note that there’s still bad blood between the families so that there is a family feud (that I inherit from my mom’s family) that I may have a rival family to shake my fist at.

On my dad’s side (Qua family):
My grandfather (on my dad’s side) was a copra trader. My grandfather’s job had him based in Legazpi. His job eventually led him to travel between Daet and Manila. He met my grandmother who was already in Daet and they got married. That’s eventually where my father and his siblings grew up.

Though the details of my ancestor’s voyage down to the Philippines are vague, I feel that it gives me a better connection to who they are and where I come from. I didn’t really know much about this before and I never thought about asking. I wish I had the opportunity to ask my grandparents themselves though that chance is gone. The details about my ancestry doesn’t change much about who I am as a person, but it does give me a better perspective on who my parents are.

Cagsawa Ruins

This picture of my parents and I are at the remnants of the buried town of Cagsawa. The bell tower of the town’s church is the only remaining structure of the town which was bombarded with tephra from the an eruption of Mayon Volcano.

I am used to letting comments, whether it be good or bad, to roll off and not affect my feelings. However, this influx of comments, positive ones thankfully, have started affecting my confidence. I feel like a truly different (and much more chipper) person just because of the waves of positivity and I am truly grateful that it has made me feel happier.

I have also been trying to change how I think. I am not a completely depressing person, but I feel like I should be more cheerful as I feel like the last two years have been quite heavy on me. I have started taking a couple steps to achieve this. I have started meditating everyday (or at least try to) focusing on chakras and calming my mind usually at either the start or the end of the day (or any time during the day, it does not hurt to just calm yourself randomly). I don’t want to push people away, but sometimes it’s necessary and I feel that some friends bring out the negativity in life and we truly are what we surround ourselves with. The more I ask myself where I want to be, the more I have kept saying “somewhere else”. Be more dynamic. Take risks. Fear is an illusion. I’m jumping into the unknown with personal and professional decisions so that I reach for the stars. The biggest obstacle is seeing the ground beneath me and hoping gravity doesn’t bring me down. For now I’m ignoring it and look up. The ground will always be there for you to land no matter how hard, but the sky and the heavens are endless. Dream for the stars and hopefully you can defy gravity.

The last but most important step for me is chanting my happiness mantra at the end of the day before I go sleep. ”I will find my happiness. I will find my path. I will find my passion.” This defines my current mission in life and helps me focus on changing my life for the better.

2010 has been good so far for me. Here’s to hoping it lasts forever (or at least for a while). Riding on the wave of positivity 2010. =)

The risks
Once you get past the initial possibilities of going blind, the next stage is calculating the cost-benefit analysis for the hefty price tag for the procedure.

The cost of the surgery.
It’s not cheap. Although I did get mine at a cheaper cost by doing it in the Philippines, the cost is still pretty substantial. I paid about USD1300 for the treatment, and the price tag in North America is probably more than double that.

The rewards
One could argue that I didn’t get my money’s worth as much, or that I didn’t really need the surgery because my eyes (at the time of the screening) was only +1.00. My eyes weren’t that bad, but everything at a distance was blurry enough that I needed to wear glasses. For me, +1.00 or +9.00 makes no difference, you still need to wear glasses to see things clearly. The potential upsides for me is definitely worth the cost.

Freedom. The obvious one is not needing to wear glasses. (I won’t go into contacts because I never felt comfortable in using them. I’ve never tried) No more clunky eyewear to obstruct my view. No more reliance on corrective lenses to be able to see something at a distance. Freedom to see the world as it is. This may sound really ridiculous for people who don’t wear corrective eyewear, or people who are far-sighted, but I feel that it’s a huge burden. Wearing glasses for reading is a different argument altogether and I’m going to ignore that discussion.

Driving. The only time I really feel like I was compelled to wear glasses was when I was driving. I have a great fear of not seeing signs or judging distance properly. The surgery definitely minimizes that crushing fear.

Sunglasses. I hated not being able to wear sunglasses because I wouldn’t be able to see without corrective lenses so I never bothered wearing them. There’s clip-ons, but those feel clunky too. Now, I can wear shades! Sweet.

Worrying. My parents always have issues with not being able to find their glasses. I don’t lose mine as much, but there is always the burden on your memory to always remember to bring it if you leave it somewhere and also the cost of having to find it when you do realize you’ve lost them again.

Confidence. I never realized how much I used my glasses as a metaphorical crutch. Playing around with it when I’m nervous and using it as an excuse that I didn’t notice something. I found out the past few days that I kept reaching for my glasses even though I don’t wear them anymore. I definitely feel a lot more confident about how I look without glasses framing my face. I think the simple fact that I can see everything around me clearly without having to rely on the glasses give me some psychological sense of security. I guess it’s the idea of a barrier or reliance that generates a feeling of dependence.

Conclusion

Day 7 after LASIK. I am satisfied with the lifestyle change. I’m still suffering some bouts of Phantom Glasses Syndrome and fighting the urge to reach for glasses that aren’t there. From someone I’ve talked to who have had the procedure, they told me, I quote “best decision ever. should have done it earlier.” I’m pretty doubtful I’ll have any regrets, but I will have to see if I’m still happy with this in a few weeks.

She puts her finger down on the menu card on one of the choices”Japanese noodles?”.

The vendor replies “Yes. Japanesu noodles. Hai!” The woman bubbles in glee and beams a smile at her fortune.

“Pork?” The vendor shakes her head, “No pork. Beef”

The woman takes a slow breath in disappointment rethinking her options. Then she points to another picture on the menu card. “This one?” The vendor nods, “Japanese noodles and beancurd.”

The woman cracks a smile again. Success! She hops in excitement. “Yes! Do you take Canadian money?” The vendor again shakes her head, “No, we accept US dollars.”

The woman’s smile disappears and morphs into an expression of eternal sadness and disappointment. Crestfallen at her final defeat she whimpers and trudges on in search of another chance for a bowl of Japanese noodles.

(I never did figure out if she got to eat noodles. The irony here was that there was a currency exchange centre about 50 feet down the concourse of the terminal from the food mart)

Mesmerized by this roller coaster of emotional crescendos and falls I was almost as excited as the lady watching her experience the tumult of excitement and disappointment.

Those are probably relatively small prices to pay for the opportunity to see the Opening or Closing Ceremonies, Canadians winning on native soil, and hopefully Canada taking the gold for ice hockey.

If I was going to be in Vancouver, I really wanted to be a volunteer. The chance to represent the city, the nation, and participate in something as huge. This is something that happens so rarely and maybe only happens once in a lifetime. I’m torn at the conflict but I have obligations to attend to so I do not really have much of a choice.

Do you believe?